Motherhood is like a sweater

Motherhood is like a sweater... my husband's big, grey sweater, that has fallen on top of my expensive skinny jeans and black tee shirt with the plunging neckline and lace trim. And I forgot I even owned those clothes. And all I can see is my husband's sweater. And those clothes still fit me, and are me, but they lie dormant under the big, floppy sweater of my husband. And that sweater represents family and how it covers me, and hides me and how I can't find me under that sweater. And that sweater is too comfy. I'm not even looking for my clothes. And I wonder why I feel strange- like I'm missing something. But I don't remember that those clothes are even there- so close. Right underneath that big sweater. That outfit that I should be wearing but I'm not wearing and I should be. I should be me. And then one crazy day I find that outfit- I move my husband's sweater- and I notice that I've been under family for so long that I resent that sweater. I push it. And I put on that outfit- and it feels so good- and I remember me. It's like I forgot my me. A Louie CK who forgot she was a Louie CK. This is our challenge as women today. Because we were having careers. We were doing things. We moving our lives up the hill. But no one really expected us to get back to it. Not until the kids were in university at least. But I'm doing it now- while the kids are still small. And I'm pretty sure that makes me a bad mommy.

8 shows only! Perfectly Norma Productions Presents: Suddenly Mommy! A comedy play written & starring Anne Marie Scheffler. Dec 3 to 8th at Theatre Passe Muraille's Mainspace.
Tues Dec 3, 7:30pm. Wed Dec 4, 2pm, 7:30pm. Thurs Dec 5, 7:30pm. Friday Dec 6, 7:30pm. Saturday Dec 7, 2pm & 7:30pm and Sunday Dec 8, 2pm. Tickets $15 advance/ $20 door.
Call 416.504.7529 Email: info@passemuraille.on.ca or visit www.artsboxoffice.ca

 https://vimeo.com/33584524

A MILF's Prayer

Dear God,
May I look just as great after I had kids as I did when I was single and looking to start a family at the car show that fateful afternoon.
May I still have a fabulous career with lots of money and excitement even though I am a mom and I sometimes don't shower for up to five days.
May my step-daughter, her mother and I all be gorgeous... and not just them... me too.
May I win an Emmy.
May I still succeed, even though I had kids.
May I get to go to yoga on a regular basis.
May I have the best situation, where my husband is in charge of the kids if I have to go away to shoot a movie or perform in front of sold out crowds, and he doesn't mind.
And may I always be there for race days for Jakey and Nathan. xoxo AMSL

My Ego Centre has officially transferred to my son Jake

It was the big cross country race at the beach this morning. I love cross country. My son Nathan was always the fastest toddler (can toddlers even be fast?) and when he was old enough, he joined the cross country team, practicing every morning at 8am, by running with the other kids around the school. We did this for three years. This year was the first year my youngest, Jake, was old enough. Jake was focused... he'd been waiting for his turn for three years, because he always wants to be like his brother. Jake would practice competitively. Mr. Taylor would say "go!" and Jake would go all out. Three weeks of mornings like this. I didn't even try to tell Jake about pacing, because, well, he's six.

Today, my head fell off. I went with the other grade one parents to the starting line, lining up with Jake and the other grade one boys. I had been here before with Nathan. For three years I had turned into my son: living race day as him. Nervous for him. Aggressive for him. God help us if they get into hockey. So, I was expecting Jake to do well, but like Nathan, somewhere around a hundred and something.

One of the other moms and I raced back to get a good spot on a hill almost at the finish line. Around the spot where you'd need to encourage a guy if he felt tired or felt like walking. And then the horn blew. We looked at the swarm of 6 year old boys running on the beach, through the trees, over the hills, and finally heading to finish line. It's a 3 K race. There's time. The first kid came in. Big stretch. Another and then another. Again I am expecting Jake to be the middle of the pack like his brother was. I counted 5 kids, and realized that if Jakey made it in the top 30, he would move on to the city finals. Maybe Jake would be in the twenties.

And then I saw him. He was running. Fast. I screamed his name. He looked for me. He ran faster. He was neck in neck with another boy. He overtook him. He crossed the finish line. Seventh. He ran into my arms. I was crying, telling him crazy things ("you're so fast!" "I'm so proud!""You did it!") and crazy enough, Jake was crying too. He buried his face in my sweater. I then was carrying him around, his face on my shoulder, his legs around my waist. Finally we were asked to come back to the group.

Other parents and kids came to laud and praise Jake. I felt the centre of the world was Jake. It was the best feeling I'd ever had. Ever. It was as if I was Jake and I was on top of the world. I joked with my fellow parents "It's not about me anymore! My ego centre has successfully transferred to my son! I am now living my life through Jake!" I know this is not an uncommon feeling. And I am sure I have felt it before, but it was so intense and glorious today, that I truly became more of a mom than I had ever been before. This is pure joy.

I joked with the other parents that Jake's method was to try and keep up with Ethan Swaby, one of his best friends in the grade ahead of him. Jake and I crowded together with the other parents, including Ethan's, as we watched the grade two boys. Ethan was one kid behind first, and then in a swell of energy, overtook him and won the race. We went ballistic! Jake burst into tears and threw himself into me. "What's wrong?" "I'm so happy, I'm crying!" And then my son also experienced joy for another. "Jake! It's great that you're crying! That's the best kind of happiness! I do it all the time! I'm still crying with happiness because of you!" And then my joyous, tearful, fast, six year old and I, went to find Ethan so Jake could hug him. That's happy.

Why let them learn to tie their shoes?

My sons are 6 and 8. We went shopping for a pair of news running shoes for Jakey (the 6 year old). "No laces please. Only velcro." I told the sales girl. I would've bought the pair that fit but Jake didn't like the looks of them. Good enough reason for me, (I am wrapped around Jake's finger). Me: "Do you like these?" Jake: "No." Me: "Why not?" Jake: "I don't know." And off we go to continue on our quest. I heard myself say it again: "velcro only." And then I cheekily added "because I don't want them to ever learn to tie their shoes..." And an image popped into my head: Nathan and Jake, in their thirties, sitting on the bench at the foyer of our house, with me bent down in front of them tying their shoes. I suppose they'll learn to tie their shoes one day. Nathan kinda already has. Kinda. I'm not helping him much, as in I just tie them for him. I don't want him to get too "I don't need you, Mom." I want him to need me forever. Bad Mommy. For now we stick with the velcro shoes. Makes me feel better somehow...

I Didn't Meet Goldie Hawn or Kurt Russell- And I'm Happy About It

I'm an actor. I always have been. It's not just a job but a state of mind. You believe in miracles. And they do happen (I once made $30,000 from a TV commercial I booked). You create entertainment for (hopefully) thousands of people out of thin air. I'm not a normal nine to fiver. And on top of it, I'm a mom, step-mom and wife.  And I've been pretty low key with the career for the last eight years. Now that the kids are bigger, I'm returning to my "authentic self." I'm getting my career back.

About eight months ago I was hired by an American producer to co-write and co-star in a Fifty Shades of Grey parody. Okay, career coming back. And lo and behold, it's a runaway hit. I have performed all over US and Canada to thousands of thrilled audience members. There are three casts now. We've sold the show to Australia. But I'm a mom, step-mom and wife. And the touring takes me away from my kids and husband and that's tough. I could be on the road all the time right now. Fancy places. Warm places. Awesome venues. Chic hotels. I have done many cities already: Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Anaheim, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh... Green Bay... to name a few. But then my marriage began to - don't say it- fall apart. And my kids and I were missing each other terribly. And I said no to some cities.

I just saw on facebook that the cast did the show in California- and Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn were in the audience. I was supposed to be doing that show. But I chose not to. So I could be with my sons. And my husband who is not a big fan of my career "state of mind." Who wants to end things, but I believe in miracles, so I'm doing what I can to keep it together. But that's a whole other story. What really impressed me and kinda surprised me is this: I really was happy for the cast out there on the road. I was not jealous but thrilled for them to meet Goldie and Kurt. And super thrilled for me. I was where I wanted to be: at home with my family. Watching movies together. Making brownies. Getting the bikes out since spring is springing right about now.

I'm not saying that I shouldn't have a career because I'm a mom. In fact I'm getting on a plane in two days to do a show in Florida. Without the kids and hubby. I wanted them to come- but there are things like school, and money. and a guy who is not thrilled with the actor part of me coming back. I am learning that life is a balance. Not all or nothing. And although it would be great to perform in front of Kurt and Goldie, my favourite celebrities are right here in my house.

My son has shark teeth

I was brushing Jake's teeth the other morning. And to my surprise, my six year old has two rows of teeth in the bottom front. I tried not to freak out as I called frantically to my husband. "Dave! Dave! Jake's adult teeth are coming in behind his baby teeth!" Of course Jake starts bawling, and I'm back tracking. "No! It's good Jakey! You're a big boy now! Your adult teeth are coming in!" But really, my mind is spinning "braces, surgery, dental bills, more braces..."
Well one visit to the dentist and a set of x-rays later (we got in the very next morning, thank you Dr. Fenn!) it seems this is pretty common. Jake's baby teeth have very little root left, so his job is to wiggle them every day. And to eat apples and carrots. Hard food. If in one month, those little teeth haven't fallen out, the dentist will pull them. Not sure how much that will end up costing, so I am also inside Jake's mouth once a day, giving them a wiggle. Plus we are painting the picture of four whole dollars as soon as they come out. Thank you Tooth Fairy.
So at the end of the day Jake will have straight teeth like his dad. Those adult teeth will actually move on their own and take their proper place once those baby teeth are liberated from Jakey's mouth. My little shark boy will be fine. And you wouldn't believe how many carrots that kid can eat. xoxo AMS

Suddenly Mommy video: Rajashaunna - The Granola Mom

Get some mommy advice from Rajashaunna - mom with no real mom skills on how special a birthday for her stepdaughter can be... guess kids need your attention and love, huh?
http://suddenlymommy.com/watch-webisodes?video=193

So this morning, my kid threw a big piece of ice at my back

I wish this wasn't true. I wish I was just blogging about how cute my sons are. Nope. Today, my back hurts. From my 8 year old son, picking up a massive piece of ice, and, while I was not looking, hurling it at my back. It happened on the walk to school- 8:40am or something, and it's noon and I am still fuming about it.
Let me give you the lead up. I'm doing a touring show I co-wrote and co-star in. It's a 50 Shades of Grey parody and is killing it all over the US so I am flying all over to do this show. I am missing my husband and kids every time I go away, but I want to do it, so I go. A lot of moms don't go. My career is coming back, the kids are getting older (6 and 8) so I go. I'm freaking racked with guilt, but I go. I'm on stage in front of thousands of women and I am getting paid for it. I should go.
But the days leading up to me going, I get guilty, sad, overly-loving. I am leaving today, in 2 hours the limo is coming to drive me to the airport. Last night, with Dave at soccer, I enjoyed dinner and a movie with my gorgeous sons. We ate our dinner in front of the TV (don't tell Dave) and Nathan, my ice-hurling 8 year old, and I lay on the couch together, hugging, me stealing kisses from him, and tickling each other. And Nathan kept trying to pick my nose and stick his finger (with snot) in my mouth. Fun boy-mother stuff. And then I read to them, hugged and kissed them some more, and put them to bed.
This morning, on the walk to school, Nathan was pouty. His mittens were wet. Yesterday afternoon, he was throwing snowballs at me on the walk home from school. I told him he could not throw snowballs at Jakey, but he could throw them at me. As a result his mittens were wet this morning. I had them on the heater all night but they were still slightly wet. So I handed him his wet mittens. I even offered to give him a different, drier pair, but he refused. And then I guess he was mad about the wet mittens, and somehow that was my fault, so while I was holding Jake's hand, walking with the boys to school, Nathan decided to pay me back (about the mittens?) with a big piece of ice. I didn't see him coming. I just got hit really hard in the back. I'm not even sure that it's about the mittens. All I know is that I got hit in the back with a huge block of ice and I didn't see it coming.
It hurt. I cried. I grabbed Nathan by the shoulders and told him off. I am about to get on a plane for 7 days and this is my goodbye? Freaking kids. You know, we are not the only family walking to school- so lots of parents and kids heard me using cuss words at my son. My mind whirled- thinking about what the frig I am doing wrong that no man in my life values me. I told Nathan "I am your mother! You should love me and protect me like I am your Queen!" It reminded me of when I was yelling at some boyfriend who broke my heart by sleeping around with someone else while we were in a committed relationship: "I am the prize! I am the prize!" (See my one hour comedy special Not Getting It for reference. Link below.) Anyway, I have to stop fuming and start packing. Yes, start packing. It's not like I am lounging around doing my shit. I have kids and a step daughter and a husband. And I put myself at the bottom of the list. I did forgive Nathan and hug him and get him to school on time. But boy, if we were dating, I'd totally break up with him. And you bet Jake is my favourite son today. I hugged Jakey as I was getting him into daycare this morning. "You would never do that to Mommy, would you Jakey?" Me still on about the ice-attack. "No Mommy," Jake assured me, "I even told you -LOOK OUT." See. I'm going to the prom with Jake.
http://vimeo.com/28627618

Parenting and The Secret

My husband gave me hell yesterday. Yesterday morning my six year old said he wanted an ipad and I said "sure!" Because I'm all about abundance you see. I've read The Secret. Dave (my husband... who gave me The Secret but did not read it. Men.) was irritated: "Mommy. (We call each other Mommy and Daddy... I know that seems old fashioned but I came from 20 year of dating players unsuccessfully or successfully if quantity is the measure of achievement- and I dove into my role of Mommy for all the bells and whistles- only. As in I like the idea of being a mother: being called Mommy. The reality... another story). Anyhoops, Dave is all "Mommy. Please don't tell this one you are getting him an ipad if you're not. I picked him up at daycare and he's jumping around saying "Mommy's getting me an ipad" and I have to be the one to burst his bubble." I flush red. I'm not not getting him an ipad. I am allowed to say that. "But I am getting Jakey an ipad. Sometime." Jake, who is standing there, doesn't know if he should cry or be excited. We are definitely giving these kids an emotional workout, at the very least. "Well, Jake thought you meant today. So, be careful about your empty promises." Argh. I don't make empty promises. I do the opposite of what my parents did: I give hope. Yes yes yes to everything. If Jake wants an ipad, let's get him an ipad. It's an Abundant Universe, right? Anyone? Apparently, you have to give the kids some sort of hard answers and solid expectations so I guess that's why Dave and I are married: we balance each other out and the kids are going to turn out alright. But I know I was raised in a household with one income and four kids and everything was a budget line item. There were no extras. So I am determined to have extras for my kids. Because I have my own ways of making money. And my own credit cards. And I've read The Secret. I'm visualizing cheques in the mail right now, thank you very much. Look, I'd rather say to Jakey "Sure! Let's get you an ipad! Let's look at what it costs online. Let's save your allowance. Let's find out if it's on sale. Let's believe it is possible... Let's call Gramma." than "no." I'm not so good with no. My own childhood issues to be sure. So... maybe I am a bad mom making empty promises. Or maybe I am a good improvisor, "Yes, and..." My Second City days at work. Look things are changing in our world and that is certain. And one thing that I can tell you for sure that is different is that some parents these days (okay me, at least) might not be so quick with the word no. Let's see if Jakey turns out to be a selfish white man. Or a limitless creator. Or a guy with issues because his mother gave him empty promises. I guess I have an ipad to get now... xoxo AMS

Suddenly Mommy is coming to Richmond Hill!

Los Angeles was fabulous! And now Suddenly Mommy is coming to Richmond Hill Performing Arts Centre on March 28th! So excited! Click here for more info and tickets!

Suddenly Mommy video: Celine Dion - The Inspiration

Get some mommy advice from Celine Dion about how to have miracle babies, be a superstar and have it all!!!!!

Don't miss "Suddenly Mommy" - the hilarious mother of a comedy by Anne Marie Scheffler
Every woman who’s had a baby recognizes the moment when your name changes from "Hey, Sexy" to suddenly "Mommy"! Anne Marie Scheffler, the star of Second City and her own special on The Comedy Network, presents this hilarious and relatable one-woman show on motherhood fresh from Second City Hollywood and Theatre Row in New York City.
http://suddenlymommy.com/watch-webisodes?video=22

Suddenly Mommy video: Janet - The Soccer Mom

Get some mommy advice from Janet, the kind of competitive mother who believes that there is nothing more important than raising winners!

Don't miss "Suddenly Mommy" - the hilarious mother of a comedy by Anne Marie Scheffler
Every woman who’s had a baby recognizes the moment when your name changes from "Hey, Sexy" to suddenly "Mommy"! Anne Marie Scheffler, the star of Second City and her own special on The Comedy Network, presents this hilarious and relatable one-woman show on motherhood fresh from Second City Hollywood and Theatre Row in New York City.
http://suddenlymommy.com/watch-webisodes?video=19