Sunday, March 1, 2009

If This Were a Comedy Club....

Funny Mummy Musings.
Track pants.
You know those track pants? The pair that someone gave you in a bag of maternity clothes? They’re grey and comfy, size XL, maternity pants and you held them against you in your first trimester and made some joke about having the whole family wear them at the same time? You tossed them aside, just in case that baby got really really big in the 39th week, and they fit you perfectly… now… that your bundle of joy… has just started grade one? Yah. Those track pants. I love mine too!
I’m issuing a press release. I finally weaned my son! He’s two! He’s speaking! He was saying sentences like “more milk mommy” so it was clear that it was time! I’m free! I can wear a dress again for the first time in forever! I don’t have to worry about hiking a dress over my head because Jakey wants to nurse! I can tuck my shirts in again! I don’t have to wear bras that open at the front with emergency exits for my nipples! I don’t have to stick to wearing the sweater with the slits on the front, so I can reach in and pull out a drink or two for my son! I’m free! To be fashionable! I no longer have to dress in a way that makes my boobs accessible. Of course, now, I’m back in my push up bra and low neck sweaters. What are you gonna do?
Character Names.
I’m raising a genius, just like you are. I can’t fool my son with the wrong names… like I’m reading Arthur to him one time. Nathan’s four, so he can’t read… yet. I’m tired, so I just want to whip through the book. Instead of actually reading the words on the page, I’m looking at the picture and paraphrasing. Nathan immediately catches on. “You mean Arthur and D.W. were looking for Muffy. And who’s Blinky?” You really can’t just make up crap. The kids are experts, and if it’s a kid’s TV show or a movie- those marketing people are geniuses. I’m pretty sure Jake’s first words were “Cars!” “Doc!” One time, I was reading a Disney Pixar Cars book to Jake, who’s barely two, and I tried the old paraphrasing method, and I called Mater the Tow Truck, Rusty. Jake just started screaming. Character names are sacred. If I’m really tired, I’ll just skimp on house cleaning, or preparing nutritious meals. Don’t mess with the character names. Now where’s that box of macaroni and cheese?
What Mommy is Really Thinking About When Watching Treehouse TV.
Anthony. Of the Wiggles. Enough said.
Other People’s Kids.I was picking my son up from JK when one of his cute little classmates asked me if I was going to have another baby? No, I said. I immediately decided to retire the lumpy sweater I was wearing. I took Nathan from school to a drop in. I removed the offending sweater, wearing a slim fitting turtle neck underneath. Another little girl approached me and asked “Are you having a baby?””Why do you ask?” “Because it looks like you have a baby in there.” You know, they just don’t make turtle necks well these days.