So this morning, my kid threw a big piece of ice at my back

I wish this wasn't true. I wish I was just blogging about how cute my sons are. Nope. Today, my back hurts. From my 8 year old son, picking up a massive piece of ice, and, while I was not looking, hurling it at my back. It happened on the walk to school- 8:40am or something, and it's noon and I am still fuming about it.
Let me give you the lead up. I'm doing a touring show I co-wrote and co-star in. It's a 50 Shades of Grey parody and is killing it all over the US so I am flying all over to do this show. I am missing my husband and kids every time I go away, but I want to do it, so I go. A lot of moms don't go. My career is coming back, the kids are getting older (6 and 8) so I go. I'm freaking racked with guilt, but I go. I'm on stage in front of thousands of women and I am getting paid for it. I should go.
But the days leading up to me going, I get guilty, sad, overly-loving. I am leaving today, in 2 hours the limo is coming to drive me to the airport. Last night, with Dave at soccer, I enjoyed dinner and a movie with my gorgeous sons. We ate our dinner in front of the TV (don't tell Dave) and Nathan, my ice-hurling 8 year old, and I lay on the couch together, hugging, me stealing kisses from him, and tickling each other. And Nathan kept trying to pick my nose and stick his finger (with snot) in my mouth. Fun boy-mother stuff. And then I read to them, hugged and kissed them some more, and put them to bed.
This morning, on the walk to school, Nathan was pouty. His mittens were wet. Yesterday afternoon, he was throwing snowballs at me on the walk home from school. I told him he could not throw snowballs at Jakey, but he could throw them at me. As a result his mittens were wet this morning. I had them on the heater all night but they were still slightly wet. So I handed him his wet mittens. I even offered to give him a different, drier pair, but he refused. And then I guess he was mad about the wet mittens, and somehow that was my fault, so while I was holding Jake's hand, walking with the boys to school, Nathan decided to pay me back (about the mittens?) with a big piece of ice. I didn't see him coming. I just got hit really hard in the back. I'm not even sure that it's about the mittens. All I know is that I got hit in the back with a huge block of ice and I didn't see it coming.
It hurt. I cried. I grabbed Nathan by the shoulders and told him off. I am about to get on a plane for 7 days and this is my goodbye? Freaking kids. You know, we are not the only family walking to school- so lots of parents and kids heard me using cuss words at my son. My mind whirled- thinking about what the frig I am doing wrong that no man in my life values me. I told Nathan "I am your mother! You should love me and protect me like I am your Queen!" It reminded me of when I was yelling at some boyfriend who broke my heart by sleeping around with someone else while we were in a committed relationship: "I am the prize! I am the prize!" (See my one hour comedy special Not Getting It for reference. Link below.) Anyway, I have to stop fuming and start packing. Yes, start packing. It's not like I am lounging around doing my shit. I have kids and a step daughter and a husband. And I put myself at the bottom of the list. I did forgive Nathan and hug him and get him to school on time. But boy, if we were dating, I'd totally break up with him. And you bet Jake is my favourite son today. I hugged Jakey as I was getting him into daycare this morning. "You would never do that to Mommy, would you Jakey?" Me still on about the ice-attack. "No Mommy," Jake assured me, "I even told you -LOOK OUT." See. I'm going to the prom with Jake.
http://vimeo.com/28627618

Parenting and The Secret

My husband gave me hell yesterday. Yesterday morning my six year old said he wanted an ipad and I said "sure!" Because I'm all about abundance you see. I've read The Secret. Dave (my husband... who gave me The Secret but did not read it. Men.) was irritated: "Mommy. (We call each other Mommy and Daddy... I know that seems old fashioned but I came from 20 year of dating players unsuccessfully or successfully if quantity is the measure of achievement- and I dove into my role of Mommy for all the bells and whistles- only. As in I like the idea of being a mother: being called Mommy. The reality... another story). Anyhoops, Dave is all "Mommy. Please don't tell this one you are getting him an ipad if you're not. I picked him up at daycare and he's jumping around saying "Mommy's getting me an ipad" and I have to be the one to burst his bubble." I flush red. I'm not not getting him an ipad. I am allowed to say that. "But I am getting Jakey an ipad. Sometime." Jake, who is standing there, doesn't know if he should cry or be excited. We are definitely giving these kids an emotional workout, at the very least. "Well, Jake thought you meant today. So, be careful about your empty promises." Argh. I don't make empty promises. I do the opposite of what my parents did: I give hope. Yes yes yes to everything. If Jake wants an ipad, let's get him an ipad. It's an Abundant Universe, right? Anyone? Apparently, you have to give the kids some sort of hard answers and solid expectations so I guess that's why Dave and I are married: we balance each other out and the kids are going to turn out alright. But I know I was raised in a household with one income and four kids and everything was a budget line item. There were no extras. So I am determined to have extras for my kids. Because I have my own ways of making money. And my own credit cards. And I've read The Secret. I'm visualizing cheques in the mail right now, thank you very much. Look, I'd rather say to Jakey "Sure! Let's get you an ipad! Let's look at what it costs online. Let's save your allowance. Let's find out if it's on sale. Let's believe it is possible... Let's call Gramma." than "no." I'm not so good with no. My own childhood issues to be sure. So... maybe I am a bad mom making empty promises. Or maybe I am a good improvisor, "Yes, and..." My Second City days at work. Look things are changing in our world and that is certain. And one thing that I can tell you for sure that is different is that some parents these days (okay me, at least) might not be so quick with the word no. Let's see if Jakey turns out to be a selfish white man. Or a limitless creator. Or a guy with issues because his mother gave him empty promises. I guess I have an ipad to get now... xoxo AMS

Suddenly Mommy is coming to Richmond Hill!

Los Angeles was fabulous! And now Suddenly Mommy is coming to Richmond Hill Performing Arts Centre on March 28th! So excited! Click here for more info and tickets!

Suddenly Mommy video: Celine Dion - The Inspiration

Get some mommy advice from Celine Dion about how to have miracle babies, be a superstar and have it all!!!!!

Don't miss "Suddenly Mommy" - the hilarious mother of a comedy by Anne Marie Scheffler
Every woman who’s had a baby recognizes the moment when your name changes from "Hey, Sexy" to suddenly "Mommy"! Anne Marie Scheffler, the star of Second City and her own special on The Comedy Network, presents this hilarious and relatable one-woman show on motherhood fresh from Second City Hollywood and Theatre Row in New York City.
http://suddenlymommy.com/watch-webisodes?video=22

Suddenly Mommy video: Janet - The Soccer Mom

Get some mommy advice from Janet, the kind of competitive mother who believes that there is nothing more important than raising winners!

Don't miss "Suddenly Mommy" - the hilarious mother of a comedy by Anne Marie Scheffler
Every woman who’s had a baby recognizes the moment when your name changes from "Hey, Sexy" to suddenly "Mommy"! Anne Marie Scheffler, the star of Second City and her own special on The Comedy Network, presents this hilarious and relatable one-woman show on motherhood fresh from Second City Hollywood and Theatre Row in New York City.
http://suddenlymommy.com/watch-webisodes?video=19