I had a crazy dream last night. I dreamt I was discovering a new playground near my house, at the bottom of a steep hill. When I got down there, I passed by the swings and went into a building. It was a fringe festival office (a theatre office). I was dismayed that no one recognized me for my past fringe performance successes. I figured it was because I had kids and it had been a while so I had better get back on the fringe circuit and make a name for myself again. I sat at a table with other performers who were watching TV. I was beside Adam Sandler. He held my hand under the table. I was excited that he liked me and recognized me as a fellow talent, but I was feeling guilty because I was married. How could I hold his hand?! I kept holding it, working through my guilt by trying to figure things out so my husband wouldn’t know. I also felt guilty about being away from the kids. I had meant to come and find a playground for them and here I was, in an entertainment office, with a fellow comic genius. Clearly I felt love for this place of potential, but I was there without consent.
Then the dream morphed into a murder mystery dream… I’m currently in the main cast at Mysteriously Yours theatre… which I am really enjoying… and then Jake, my 2 year old, came and woke me up.
But the dream stayed with me, and I had a chance to write it down. I know what it means too. I have been feeling guilty about having a Hollywood style, successful career because it would clearly be a compromise to my husband and children. There is so much guilt for wanting a film and television career it seems. Don’t get me wrong. The guilt comes from me. No one else is making me feel bad. I’m doing it to myself.
It’s like I should be transferring my career aspirations onto my children, and become a stage mom. Or I should keep my dreams of success to myself and not share them with my husband. I should perhaps go to teacher’s college or join the bank fulltime. And I ask you, how would any of this help?
You know it is evil to have career plans for your child. And my husband knows I’m an actor and writer and that I have big plans. He wants to know and wants to help me succeed. And living a compromised life (not following my bliss) is no example to set for my kids…
Do you know how much my family would benefit from my successful TV and film career? If Adam Sandler has faith in me, then at least I should too. Tomorrow I’m getting my production team together, (my husband and kids) and going over the time lines for the rest of the year.
Then the dream morphed into a murder mystery dream… I’m currently in the main cast at Mysteriously Yours theatre… which I am really enjoying… and then Jake, my 2 year old, came and woke me up.
But the dream stayed with me, and I had a chance to write it down. I know what it means too. I have been feeling guilty about having a Hollywood style, successful career because it would clearly be a compromise to my husband and children. There is so much guilt for wanting a film and television career it seems. Don’t get me wrong. The guilt comes from me. No one else is making me feel bad. I’m doing it to myself.
It’s like I should be transferring my career aspirations onto my children, and become a stage mom. Or I should keep my dreams of success to myself and not share them with my husband. I should perhaps go to teacher’s college or join the bank fulltime. And I ask you, how would any of this help?
You know it is evil to have career plans for your child. And my husband knows I’m an actor and writer and that I have big plans. He wants to know and wants to help me succeed. And living a compromised life (not following my bliss) is no example to set for my kids…
Do you know how much my family would benefit from my successful TV and film career? If Adam Sandler has faith in me, then at least I should too. Tomorrow I’m getting my production team together, (my husband and kids) and going over the time lines for the rest of the year.
1 comment:
Hug!...you are truly my kindred spirit, thank you for that! xo Colette
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