Audition: Slave Girl to Past Lives

I said I’d start blogging. Well, that’s what my horoscope suggested I do. “If you don’t write your own blog already, start one now.” I’d hate to go against the stars. So I’m blogging. And what am I to blog about? My kids. Because they ‘re small, and they have taken over my life, and I worked really hard to find myself, and now, I think I’m lost again. And it’s because of the kids.
It’s like this. I’m in my late thirties (pretty late, don't tell the casting directors) and Nathan just turned 4 and Jake will be 2 soon. Mackenna, my step-daughter is 9 and a half, and is primarily with her mom. When she is with us she is a pleasure, but she’s a kid, too, so add some more time and emotional demands to the pot. I’m an actress. And a writer. I perform because I need lots of attention. It took me years and years to get to where I wanted to be career-wise, and I don’t want to let it completely slip because I had a family. But it’s hard. I go from obsessing over the audition for that new TV series, and then wondering if it’s okay for me to be gone for a week to shoot the pilot or if that would be a sign of a bad mother, to simply thinking only about the children, and then getting resentful at the end of the day when I have done nothing but food preparation, feeding and clean-up, carrying, nursing, soothing and reading, playing outside, and inside and on the computer and being patient with self-centred little boys.
In my attempt to retain myself, I have re-ignited my spiritual quest. I stumbled upon 10 cassette tapes by Joseph Campbell at Value Village today, as I was dropping off the high chair. Clearly a sign that the Universe is supporting my journey. I have begun reading books about past-lives, and this is an Earth school, and I got my palm read and apparently I’m meant to help people. My boys don’t like to fall asleep without me, so bed time is a long and delicate process. As I was cuddling with Nathan, waiting for him to fall asleep, I had this flash of Nathan and Jake being my captors in a previous life. You know, like I was some beautiful slave, and they owned me, and loved me, but wouldn’t give me my freedom. (Remember the slave girl and the master in Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments?) Funny how lifetime after lifetime, I’m still being held captive by them. So, if the palm reader says I’m to help people, it’s clear that I should start by helping myself.
I’m going to start blogging. About suddenly being a Mommy. It really is so miraculous to have children, and everything else falls away as less important than these beautiful creations of mine. But it’s good for them too, to see me at my best, successful and self-assured, balanced and fit. I’m going back to yoga regularly. And I’m not going to feel guilty about it. And I allow myself to earn gobs of money doing what I love. Even if I have to be away from the boys for a 12 hour day once in a while to do it. They’ll survive. I love them so completely, but if I don’t love myself FIRST, then I’m not doing anyone any favours.
The beginning of that horoscope said “If today is your birthday: The coming year won't be quite like any other. Your dearest wishes, highest hopes and brightest visions will edge slowly but surely toward glorious fulfilment.” I’d better get ready. Cuz this ain't no dress-rehearsal...